On the days it rained in the summer my brothers and I would turn to the VCR and the few movies we had on VHS, all watched countless times but still entertaining to us and annoying as hell to our parents. The saga of Hook was one of these films that is still even now impossible not to watch a scene or two before changing the channel, if not the whole movie. The comments and interpretations that came with the high replay of this film I would not trade for all the marbles in London.
We start with Peter and family attending a pseudo-reality of his former life in the form of his daughter’s grade school play. After taking several calls from “Brad”, he sells his son the same bullshit line he does his clients and promises to pencil him in after a short pow-wow with the board of directors before his little league game. So, what happens? The kid can’t hit the deuce, strikes out with the bases juiced and Dad sends his proxy to videotape his athletic failure while he’s off playing cowboy with his coworker “Brad”. This guy is questioning why he did not get a parachute in his son’s drawing that doesn’t take Sigmund fucking Freud to figure out your kid hates you, as he plays on your well-known phobia of flying complete with visual-aids and sarcasm. Jack then makes an astute observation of what trigger’s his father’s anxiety while laying down a nice guilt trip before essentially telling his dad he is full of shit, as well as completely unaware of how old he is.
“This is England…the land of good manners.”
As Toodles opens the door to Peter and family, after enduring a nine-hour journey across the pond, he promptly observes the weather and slams the door in their faces, which is followed by a near hysterical screaming Nanny. After settling in, Peter loses a 5-billion-dollar business deal and then berates his wife and children to the point where she throws his Zack Morris edition cell phone out the window, while telling him he missed their whole childhood he essentially paid for and then proceeds to bribe his son with a cheap watch at bedtime in exchange for his love.
While Peter attends a benefit dinner that night, Hook commits first degree kidnapping, breaking and entering as well as human trafficking violations on an international level. Toodles, who completely failed as a baby-sitter and doorman, suddenly becomes Eminem while giving his witness statement and completely deciphers the ransom note in one tidy verse. As Peter drinks away his sorrows, Tinkerbell shows up like a stage five clinger ex-girlfriend to recruit him back to Neverland, complete with faking her own death and then employing fairy-dust which was probably angel-dust, and we are 2nd star to the right and straight on till morning. He awakes in what looks like the worst acid trip ever in Disneyworld, as Tinkerbell dispatches several pirate combatants with the crazy always beat’s big tactic. We then have Smee enter parading Hook’s prosthetic hand around like it’s the fucking Stanley Cup, followed by an army chanting his name blindly like every other dictator in history. He then appears in full military dress, privately confesses to his first lieutenant how much he despises the masses and then proceeds to mock their illiteracy with his superior vocabulary, before proclaiming he is the greatest and fuck anyone who ever doubted me. Then to emphasize his point he employs CIA black-site tactics on a heavily disguised Glenn Close, confirming the conspiracy and quickly dolling out punishment in the form of the “boo-box”.
Hook and Smee then conduct their investigation of Peter’s identity via scars, dental records and looking deeply into his blue eyes. They conclude it is him, just the fat, old, forgetful version of him. He then fails what is the equivalent of the Presidential Physical Fitness Test, while Hook copes with the massive disappointment that his once mighty opponent is now unrecognizable and pathetic. A deal is struck to give him time to shape up and get his groove back, Tinkerbell playing on the vanity of his legacy being threatened. After agreeing to a temporary delay, Hook has his right-hand man translate to the mass of idiots which are highlighted by David Crosby teaching the children well and mocking a little girl’s cries for help.
After some sexy scuba with mermaids, Peter is welcomed home by a gang of juvenile delinquents that are led by a mohawked bad-ass with incredible acrobatic ability and a sword that would make King Arthur blush. After yet another interrogation of his identity, the lost boys agree to help him after a melodramatic debate. Meanwhile back at Hook’s private quarters which should be on MTV Cribs, the captain is feeling the dejection of the day that leads to an eventual suicide attempt. His loyal therapist/1st mate talks him off the ledge per usual and while putting him to bed has a brilliant “apostrophe” for a strategy with Pan’s kids. Like any textbook narcissist the captain immediately takes credit for the idea.
Cut to the other side of the island and a crash course training of Pan complete with fencing, flying and the power of positive thinking. His first mental breakthrough involved imagining dinner. After finally accomplishing this feat, confidence, and blood sugar high, he commences to have an underground rap battle with DJ Rufio, spits fire and then incites a massive food fight, that actually looks like a lot of fun. As he attempts to find himself again within the 72 hours allotted, Hook begins to brain-wash his kids, pointing out the unfortunate truths of their parents, that we all figure out in adulthood after it is too late. The little girl doesn’t buy it, but her brother is sold instantly on being a turncoat since he despises his father as much as Hook does anyway. His Stockholm syndrome is in full bloom as Hook rewrites history by turning a childhood trauma into triumph, as Jack connects on a curveball that hasn’t landed yet. This led to Peter’s coming-to-Jesus moment as he realizes for the first time in decades, he has a family and the next thing you know he is doing barrel-rolls like a Blue Angel, all triggered by staring at a thimble and some ridiculous acid flashback origin story that makes absolutely no fucking sense at all. Escaped as an infant via stroller, then crashed and was saved by a fairy, only to return years later to find he was as replaceable as a lightbulb. Steven Spielberg directed this and owes me seven minutes of my life back. We would always fast-forward through that part, now I remember why.
Following this ridiculous revelation Pan takes a joy ride around the skies of Neverland, de-pants Rufio and garners his respect while somehow losing ten pounds and ten years within the duration of his flight. Tinkerbell turns human that night and makes her move, causing Pan to suddenly remember his marriage. No offense to Moira but I am taking Julia Roberts in that scenario, all day. Next, it is time to arm up a bunch of adolescents like Boko-Haram, as they fight grown men who have guns/knives with marbles, chickens, and sunshine. Smee gets wise as things start to deteriorate, by robbing his boss blind as severance for all the therapy he provided pro-bono through the years. Meanwhile Rufio gets schwacked by Hook, who has clearly had enough of these shenanigans and lays him out like an adult man would against some thirteen-year-old punk, perhaps the only realistic moment of the film. They all immediately forget his death and body as Pan’s kids whine about going home, now suddenly loving their once impotent father, just 3 days later.
Pan attempts to flee and Hook threatens him mafia style, assuring him it will never end, and he will kidnap every generation if he has too. This finally prompts a dual of swords, complete with reality check shit-talking, multiple below the belt shots by the sleaze of the seven seas that culminates with a giant stuffed crocodile somehow coming to life, breaking free of the wood and steel structure holding it upright as it swallows the captain whole. The chubby kid gets the Pan sword for his battlefield dominance, and they fly home to England all much better, more adjusted individuals from the experience. Returning home from their abduction, they decide to play a cruel joke on Mom, yelling surprise after hiding in bed instead of just saying hi when they came home. Her husband somehow landed outside on the street, where he finds his lost cellphone and sense of child like wonderment. Toodles is given back his marbles, which had held him back for decades from returning to Neverland, even though they are available in most toy sections of department stores within the metro London area.
The end.
For Wes, Griff and Rye
The Modern Renaissance Man 
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