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The Art of Dirty Words

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(The Undisputed King of Obscene, Bob Saget. See: The Aristocrats)

It’s not what you say but how and when you say it. Nevermore has this been truer than when examining the timeless art of dropping verbal dirty bombs. The few who mastered the craft of being cleverly crude have etched their names in comedy like a filthy joke carved into the wall of a gas station urinal. When you are from the Midwest the “f”-word is by far the most common phrase in the vernacular of the region forcing the bar higher for exceptional originality of use.  A good friend of mine who I met in college, Fritz, uncoincidentally contributed directly or indirectly to most of the clips below. Our 8am political science class consisted of the two of us playing a dirty word version of hangman, attempting to stump one another with the filthiest things our minds could fathom. The sorority girl behind us was not amused by the terms “donkey-punch”, “dirty-sanchez” or “douchebag” the game within full range of her vision as she attempted to take notes. Fritz is an artist of profanity, his formal training comes from movies, tv and an exceptionally expressive family. Even the most minuscule of comments is an opportunity for him to make a joke that eternally burns into the funny bone because the delivery and usage were iconic. Here are some of the finest teachings of foul-mouthed hilarity only made possible by four letter words, most of which was passed on to me by Fritz. In the words of him “Enjoy, fuckers.”

Spaceballs

Sometimes stating the obvious requires some emphasis on how truly ridiculous shit has gotten. Thank you, Mel Brooks.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall  

Excruciating pain is often the culprit of a reactionary cussword that involves sodomizing yourself, especially when a stoned Paul Rudd is making fun of your accent to boot.

The Big Lebowski

Every line in Lebowski is precious, I know this…however this scene with a common obscenity is delivered by Jeff Bridges and received by John Goodman on another level of sarcasm and satire. One man focused on entering the next round robin of beer league bowling, the other upset with him because he just flashed a piece on the lanes to achieve it.

Friday

Chris Tucker’s brilliance of exasperation is on full display after being promised a date with Janet Jackson and instead getting Freddy Jackson, cementing himself into comedic legend with his timeless catch phrase as she removes her weave.

Happy Gilmore

The only thing better than Bob Barker’s bareknuckle boxing ability was his shit talking skills, dropping the mic on the way out with the same impeccable timing of his right hook.

Semi-Pro                  

Achieving a lifelong dream of making the NBA for Jackie Moon quickly turns from elation to vengeance as Will Ferrel properly demonstrates accepting success gracefully, trashing everyone else in the boardroom like a true owner would.

Half Baked

Nothing better than Danny Tanner from Full House making a random cameo in a cult classic demanding if you’ve ever traded fellatio for drugs, then shaming you for not having done so. RIP Bob, you were a genius.                                                                                                                    

National Lampoons Christmas Vacation

Verbally abusing your boss’s lackeys after he embarrassed you in front of them is the only solace Chevy Chase finds in his office as he chastises them with an Uzi of insults and holiday spirit.

Feris Bueller’s Day Off

Disguising his voice in the persona of Chicago’s finest Seargent George Peterson, Alan Ruck delivers a master class in humiliating vice principal Edward R. Rooney. Who FYI is a registered sex offender in real life, just in case you couldn’t have guessed that from his overall personas in films.

Observe and Report

Only Seth Rogen and Aziz Ansari could say the same phrase over and over and yet somehow it gets funnier with each variation of it that they use, right down to the whispering.

Curb Your Enthusiasm

Finally, in perhaps the most epic demonstration of vulgarity we witness Larry David’s good deed gone right as he feels sympathy for his restaurants head chef’s battle with Tourette’s, highlighted by Susie Essman’s unparalleled delivery of the “C” word.

“There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions. Yet, out of 400,000 words in the English language, there are seven: “That will infect your soul, curve your spine and keep the country from winning the war…. In addition to the seven that you “cannot say ever, ever, ever, not even clinically”, there are some “two-way words” that are innocent or offensive, according to context. “It’s OK to say Roberto Clemente has two balls on him. But you can’t say ‘I think he hurt his balls on that play.’ Alternatively: “You can prick your finger, but don’t finger your prick – no, no.” – George Carlin, shortly before being arrested in Milwaukee in 1972, because someone couldn’t take a fucking joke.

for Fritz.